


Will I Ever Be More Than I've Always Been?

by Princessfbi



Series: Waving Through A Window [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Athena is the best, Complicated Relationships with Parents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Loneliness, Parenting is Hard but not that hard, Protective!Athena, Robbery, The One that Got Away Episode s03e16, nervous tics, takes place in season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:02:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princessfbi/pseuds/Princessfbi
Summary: “Hi Athena,” Buck mumbled from behind the icepack. “This isn’t what it looks like.”“It looks like you’ve been in a fight and the black and blue you’re wearing is telling me you didn’t win.”Buck blinked at her before he winced again.“Please don’t tell Bobby."
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash
Series: Waving Through A Window [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721746
Comments: 27
Kudos: 578





	Will I Ever Be More Than I've Always Been?

**Author's Note:**

> Shortly before 2x10 Merry Ex-Mas.

They say that Murphy’s Law comes in threes but Murphy probably never anticipated the inception of one firefighter Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley.

Athena had been more than ready to head home by the end of her shift. Bobby had made his famous chili that heated up nicely on the days when some of the winter air chilled the nights. Los Angeles may not be the picture of a winter wonderland but the wind sure could give a bite when it turned mean. It had been biting her toes that night in a way that could only be cured with a warm bubble bath followed by her bed to cradle away her aches from the day.

But just the thought of spiced ground beef and steeped tomatoes with a glass of red wine was enough to have Athena’s mouthwatering. And after the day she had, had nothing sounded better than curling up in one of her favorite sweaters beside her boyfriend and enjoying a good meal.

Which is why she didn’t appreciate one of the desk sergeants catching her attention with a flick of his wrist and a tired, “We got one of yours, Sergeant Grant.”

At first, she had a handful of guesses for whatever that meant and she was too exhausted to try and ponder too hard. It could've been one of her younger regulars caught joyriding again. Kids that had too much time and little to no guidance were like a flock of birds that migrated in and out of the precinct on a regular basis. Most officers had their select few that they tried to steer into a hopefully more productive direction and usually they were scared straight for a while after having their hands clamped together in handcuffs for a half an hour. 

Frankly, she wasn't in the mood to be dealing with one of her little delinquents and shooing them back under her wing. Her regulars knew better than to mess in the trouble that came from LA at night. She was tired and hungry and ready to have her feet rubbed by Bobby Nash's talented hands and---

When she saw the overgrown hunched firefighter, bloody and bruised, sitting in the bullpen she felt her heart jump against her rib cage. Suddenly, Bryant's tone made a lot more sense. The desk sergeant was one of those old school 'them versus us' types--- an inability to play nice probably being the reason why he was riding a desk during the graveyard shift eight years after his last promotion--- and she couldn't help but feel her irritation cut towards Bryant. 

Did Bryant just dump the poor boy in the bullpen without so much as a tissue to mop up the blood?

“Buck?” She asked sharper than she intended.

Buck jerked at his name and winced with the movement of what Athena was sure was a nasty headache.

A rookie hurried past her with a icepack and a tissue box.

“Here you go,” Officer Hinds said as he handed Buck the icepack before realizing that Athena was there. “Sergeant Grant?”

Hinds eyes widened as Athena stepped beside him. She'd heard the stories the younger officers told the rookies to scare them and normally she found it amusing but not right then. Not when Buck was curling bruised and scraped knuckles around the icepack with a quiet thanks. Hinds was just a kid that was still a little too green around the gills when it came to the harder stuff they had to see on the job. Buck bleeding out on his desk was probably the most excitement he’d seen all month.

“Hi Athena,” Buck mumbled from behind the icepack. “This isn’t what it looks like.”

“It looks like you’ve been in a fight and the black and blue you’re wearing is telling me you didn’t win.”

Buck blinked at her before he winced again. 

“Please don’t tell Bobby,” he said miserably.

“Oh,” Athena said, swallowing a chuckle. “I won’t have to tell him anything when you show up to your shift tomorrow.”

Something close to panic flashed across Buck’s face and if his emotions could spell it would be a four letter word on his forehead. He probably hadn't even thought of that. 

“Great.”

Taking pity on him, Athena tapped Hinds’ shoulder and tilted her head. “I’ll take it from here. Why don’t you get yourself some coffee?”

“You sure?” Hinds asked.

Athena lifted a brow as she saw Buck drop his head into his hands with a little more heaviness than she thought necessary. Pursing her lips, she nodded and took over Hinds spot.

“What happened, Buck?”

Buck groaned into his hands, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes in a way that had to hurt.

Athena frowned again. Buck was impulsive and sometimes reckless but he wasn’t stupid. Even with his heart of gold on his sleeve and that unbelievable roller coast of self esteem, Buck had to know that there was probably only going to be a few good natured lectures twisted with a brand of teasing that only the 118 seemed to know how to braid around one another. Buck getting into a fight certainly wasn't the end of the world. 

Something was bothering him. They'd all seen it in the way Buck had been attached to his phone and the quiet little rub of his thumb against birthmark he only seemed to do whenever he was really stressed. But they all got stressed. They had a stressful job. She didn't hear any internal alarms ring and Bobby hadn't said anything to her. Her boyfriend was basically a built in fire detector when it came to his team, sensing whenever something was too much or sparking too fast. 

“C’mon Buckaroo,” Athena said softer, pulling his hands away from his face before he could do anymore damage. “You don’t look like you’ve had a great night. Tell me what happened.”

Something broken and distinctively not Buck choked out of Buck’s lips like a mockery of his normal laughter. Athena felt her back stiffen.

“I’m not having the best week to be honest.”

“Well, that I can believe.”

A pair of pitiful blue eyes that were red and _tired_ looked up at her. She held his wrist, his skin cold and clammy from the ice pack, and lifted the cold press to his face again. He sighed in relief in a way that Athena was sure she wouldn’t have seen if Buck had been at a hundred percent.

Buck regarded her for a moment, calculating something in that brain of his that ran a thousand miles a minute, and she waited. She smothered down the impatience that clawed at her throat, wanting to get to the bottom of whoever or whatever hurt him. But if there was one thing she knew about Buck, it was that he held his love, even the damaged bits, close to his chest like a wound he was afraid someone would poke. 

She hated that he thought someone would poke. She hated even more that he had to considered if she would be one of the ones who poked. 

“I was at the gym,” he finally said and she lifted her brow until he continued.

She didn’t comment on the fact that half past midnight seemed a little late to be getting a work out in because honestly, he didn't seem like he could handle a lecture at the moment. 

He rubbed a hand through his hair, the strands still wet and curling in that adorable way she knew he was embarrassed about when the gel broke away after a long day.

“I…I swim laps when…” The blue eyes flashed on her before looking back down at his hands. “When I can’t get to sleep."

That thumb found its way up to his birthmark and rubbed. 

"I've been kind of... stressed, I guess. It's something I picked up when was in high school and and... and it tires me out. I guess I just wasn't paying attention and I... these two guys jumped me from behind when I was putting my bag in the trunk. They took my wallet and my phone and they stole my car and---"

It was like Athena had opened a flood gate and Buck couldn't figure out how to close it again. She leaned forward and clasped onto his free hand before he could rub his face again. Buck was exhausted, that much she could see, and she was feeling the heaviness of fatigue pulling on her arms. Neither one of them could handle a Buckley spiral. 

"Okay, okay," she said and waited until he took a breath. 

She moved her grip down onto his wrist when her fingertips grazed over scrapped palms. She bent his arm and held back a wince at the scoffed elbows that was going to scab over nicely with road rash. 

He'd put up a fight all right and lost. 

With his arm in her hand she watched as the goose bumps littered up his pale skin and caught herself before she could ask where his coat was. 

“First of all, are you all right?” She asked.

She probably should’ve started off there because if the sky was blue then Buck was always the loser in a boxing match against trouble. 

Buck's mouth snapped shut with a click and he inhaled a wet breath through his nose before pressing it out through his mouth as he considered lying to her. 

“Buck, look at me please. Are you hurt anywhere else that I would need x-ray vision to see?”

Buck pushed out another breath that hitched up his chest and she tried not to panic a little at how wrong it sounded.

“I think I might have a broken rib.” He muttered.

Athena's brow shot up into a high arch on her forehead.

“Or two.”

Athena sighed because she was too tired to be pulling teeth.

“All right. C’mon.”

Buck blinked. “Where are we going?”

She’d stood and pulled out her keys, motioning for Hinds to join them again.

“We’re going to the emergency room before I have to strip you naked myself.” She turned to Hinds. “You can take his statement while we wait for him to get checked out.”

Buck was out of his seat before Athena could blink and it was a miracle he didn't keel over. 

“Wha--- No. No, I promise it’s okay. I mean it’s not. I just… It’s fine. It’s nothing I haven’t had before. Athena, c'mon!”

And isn’t that the truth. Firefighters are always thought of for their sharp strong bone structures and smoldering eyes and chiseled abs but really, they’re just a bunch of bruises and burns taped together so that they could run back in at the sound of a bell.

"Athena, please. I just need to report my car stolen so my insurance will---"

Buck’s big blue eyes could run circles around puppies eyes but Athena had raised two above average intelligent children and they simply weren’t going to work on her.

“Your car is replaceable. You are not.” She pointed her keys at him. “We’re going to get you checked out. Gather your things, Officer Hinds.”

Hinds jerked into action without being told twice but Buck planted his heels into the ground.

“Athena, I don’t have time. Okay? I just need to report my car stolen and then I can go get a rental car tomorrow before work and I just have like a million things I still need to do. I just… don’t have time. Okay?”

“No, Buck, not okay.”

“Athena, _please.”_

And it was something there. Something in the thin crack in his tone that had Athena stopping because something was wrong. Something that maybe Buck didn’t even really realize himself because Athena had heard him when he was tense. She’d heard him when he was scared and angry and happy and riding the fast approaching comedown from an adrenaline high. She’d been beside him during actual emergencies and disasters and frankly foolish situations.

But this was different.

Buck was _stressed._

He wilted a little at her gaze and tried to look anywhere that wasn’t her.

He was doing that thing he did where he turned small like he forgot he was six foot two and was not the very tiny thing he’d been as a teenager from the pictures Maddie had brought to the station family dinner one time.

 _“I had a growth spurt right before I turned eighteen, okay?”_ Buck had said when their snickering had turned into jaw dropping laughter.

_“Growth spurt? You didn’t even look tall enough to ride most of the rides!”_

_“He wasn’t!”_

But the tension was radiating off of Buck’s broad shoulders and there had to be something else, Athena knew it. She gave Hinds a sharp look and the young officer was smart enough to look busy somewhere else.

“Buck, have you seen your face?”

Buck bit his lip and shook his head. Athena grabbed his arm and dragged him to the wall that was lined with awards and pictures from the community and one very convenient hand decorative mirror. 

Buck winced at his reflection. One eye was definitely going to be black tomorrow but at least it wasn't swollen shut. Blood still caked the side of his face and part of his chin from a cut on his brow that would probably need stitches and a nosebleed that had ruined his shirt. His mouth looked swollen on one side, like he'd taken a sucker punch, with a bruise crawling along the side of his jaw. 

Buck had a pretty face but someone had sure wanted to ugly it with their fists. 

“Great.” He sighed, flexing his jaw. “This is just… great.”

“I’m sure Bobby will understand…”

“It’s not Bobby I’m worried about.”

And if Athena didn’t think something was wrong before she certainly did now.

“Buck, what’s going on?”

For a minute it looked like Buck was going to lie to her again. His gaze flickered towards her and then back down to his tangled fingers. His mouth opened and closed a few times and she wasn't sure if he could handle her shaking him but she would if it would get him to let go of all that anxiety he was holding close to his chest.

“My parents are coming to visit.”

It took everything in Athena to keep her face as neutral as possible as a flash of guilt clouded Buck's expression.

“I’m guessing from your tone that’s not a good thing?”

“No, it’s… Maddie and I have pretty different relationships when it comes to our parents… For her, they’re parents and for me… It’s more… complicated." Buck blinked as the honesty started to pull the tears from his eyes, something Athena was again sure she wouldn't have seen if Buck wasn't so exhausted. 

"I just... I wanted to show them that I've got a life here and..." He trailed off with a dismissive wave towards his face. 

"Buck," Athena pressed, tapping on his chin until he looked at her. "I get it."

Buck opened his mouth to argue and she tapped chin again so his mouth closed with a snap. 

"Trust me, I do."

She knew what it was like to want a mother's approval. To be desperate with want for acceptance and too tired from being pushed too hard and too fast. There was something kindred that all kids who wished for the warm sanctuary of their parents arms but had been left out in the cold too many times could recognize in one another. 

But Buck looked ready to drop and that was another story for another time after a long shift and couple of glasses of wine. 

"But," she added. "Your wellbeing is far more important than your parents' approval of you and your life choices. _That's_ my priority right now."

"Athena." Buck's voice stretched into a whine. " _I am fine._ I promise. I just want to report my car stolen, figure out how to call an uber, and go home."

Hot unbelievable exasperation shot out past her restraint and burned across her face and Buck's eyes widened. 

"An Uber? Really, Buck?" 

Buck shrugged. "I can't exactly call Maddie. She's asleep!"

"Buck," Athena pressed. "Do you have any friends?"

A flush crawled up his neck and pooled into his cheeks. "I have Eddie! But he's got a kid---"

Athena cut him off with a swipe of her hand. 

"No, Buck. I mean do you have any friends that aren't adrenaline smoke fueled junkies that are held together by tape and currently sleeping off a twenty four hour shift, right now?"

Buck gaped at her, his mouth doing a fine imitation of a fish out of water, before he narrowed his eyes. 

"I-I have... Chim!"

Athena rolled her eyes so she didn't strangle him. Or hug him, she wasn't sure which one she wanted to do. Maybe a little of both. But she was too annoyed to be sad and they were both too tired to keep doing this. 

"How are you even going to get into your apartment? You said they took your keys."

Something dopey and sheepish colored Buck's face. "Shit."

That's what she thought. 

"Okay! Here's what we're going to do. I am too damn tired to drag you kicking and screaming so we're going to compromise." Buck looked skeptical and it was funny how he thought he had a choice at this point. "We're going to fill out your report. Then I am going to take you home with me tonight and you can sleep on the couch."

Buck shook his head as that desperation crawled into his face again. "I can't---"

"Where else are you going to sleep? The yard?" Athena clicked her tongue against her teeth. "Tomorrow, you're going to take an hour in the morning and get the locks to your apartment replaced. Everything else, your parents, your phone, everything, we'll figure out later."

Something close to heartbreakingly surprise shattered some of Athena's reserve as she watched an open relief tapped against Buck's eyes like a small portal to all those thousands of thoughts filling up that head of his.

"We?"

Athena nodded and gave his wrist another squeeze, trying to push as much warmth to over take that cold loneliness she could see. 

"I'm going to help you make sure your parents are so impressed that complicated won't even be in your vocabulary the next time you see them."

Buck scanned her face--- appraising her offer in a way that all lonely kids did when someone offers them a helping hand with no strings attached--- before his shoulders slumped and he hid his nod behind the ice pack again. 

So, Athena kept her promise. She personally filed out his report, called a locksmith that owed her a favor and was willing to meet with Buck first thing in the morning, before driving him back to her house where Bobby was waiting with some blankets for the couch and Hen was standing by with her kit. 

Buck was a mess but he just needed someone who could untangle him from the lines of insecurities that seemed to keep him trapped on the other side a mistrusting glass. She sometimes found herself on the other side that of glass herself. She knew. She understood. It was hard to walk around the edges. 

No one could really blame her for wanting to just cut those strings herself when Buck told her a few days later that his parents had cancelled their trip less than forty eight hours before they were supposed to arrive. No one could blame her for wanting to shatter that glass with her fists when he just accepted that disregard like he was used to it. Parenting was hard but not that hard and Buck didn't deserve that disappointment. Not after all the hard work she saw him do for one ounce of impressed approval. 

Buck's deference to the news was enough for Athena to fuel a grudge until the day she died. 

But then the bomber started leaving packages on doorsteps and the ladder truck exploded and any scrapes of self worth that Buck had exploded with it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Wowza wasn't planning on posting this so soon but 3x16 sure did a number on me so here you go!


End file.
